post from 10-02-2014

 

The Morning Before

I am excited and nervous about going to meet her today. Nervous that I will look at her and feel pain and disappointment that she’s not Pugsley or that I won’t click with her. I can’t leave her there if I feel it’s a horrible situation. I’ve made the decision that if I don’t click with her and can’t see us having a life together I will take her out of there anyway and find her a loving family. I won’t leave her there because I don’t think she’s having a happy time there.

But that’s worst case scenario because I have a feeling in my heart that it will click. I am thinking she might be shy with me or indifferent and that’s ok even to be expected. It’s not like with Pugsley who was a tiny puppy and was attatched to me right from the start. We shall have to build our own relationship.

And I come with baggage, maybe she does too…I am still grieving my darling who died last year. I’m still haunted by that last day at the vet. Still angry and upset with myself that I was impatient with her the day before she died. Squinting my eyes at night to see if I can see a Pug ghost, trying to find ways to feel if her spirit is truly with me. I even wasted money on a pet psychic who was not helpful at all. I wasted money on a Dutch psychic who asked me if I had a “Tante Jannie” ummm no since I am Australian and we don’t have Dutch names in our family….

I just lit the candle of Googie’s shrine where her ashes are. I need to do that it helps me have something physical to go to, it helps me feel connected to her. For a whole month I carried one of her nail clippings in my bag and held it when it got too bad. I had panic attacks in shops and woke up in the middle of the night and hid my sobbing in the lounge room. It’s been an intense and painful experience losing her. So why am I going into another relationship that will also end this way?

I feel like I can do things differently this time. Have pet insurance, be more vigilant about checking her for medical problems in her eyes, ears and nose crinkle. Keep her nails trimmed more regularly. Go to the vet every three months anyway no matter what just for a check up. Not fall TOO much in love, not make her be the centre of my universe. Just love her but love my life too. I will try and see if I can. Plus Pugsley was my first dog that I had for their entire lifetime.  As a child our pets used to mysteriously disappear.  Pugsley also healed me through other painful things that I was not able to process. Things that had no closure, no resolving and were never going to change. She guided me through that. She taught me how to love. She taught me that I was worthy of love. She adored me openly and without reservation. We were a team, a family unit, her and me against the world. And when she was old she became my baby and my elderly mother all in one. And writing this makes me start to cry, so yeah, I’m not over her, I don’t think I will ever be over her but still I want to go and get Gracey and bring her home.

This new little one deserves to forge her own path with me. I will let her tell me who she is. I will also make time between lessons for her and not let people change their times and not book three in a row but have space in between so I can walk her.

By going to get her I am trusting myself again. Trusting that I won’t let her down. I am not going to use the word “Mama” in reference to myself like I did with Pugsley. That word is loaded with way too much power and emotion. I’m just going to be Kim to her. I’m going to be her guardian, not her mother and I’m going to love her just the same but with some slight cautious protection of my heart.

I promise you Gracie that I will give you the best life I possibly can. Take care of your health, give you lots of walks, feed you well, love you deeply, let you go at your own pace and always be there for you. I hope we can be great friends.

Googie’s Shrine: